What Going Back to Uni Taught Me About Business.

Hah. Sorry, I had to write this title. The most annoying heading in the world - which is now all over LinkedIn. A year ago, the platform was great. An underrated way to get your business noticed, chat about environmental and social issues and have some proper discussion. Now it’s just AI soup and idiotic personal attacks.

And I’m not denying that AI is helpful (though yes, it’s ethically and morally complicated), but guys… it cannot bloody write. And it’s so obvious. Not just em-dashes, but also stupid overused sentences like ‘but here’s the kicker’ (who the fuck says that?!) and essays that are.

Structured.

Like this.

With an obvious.

Call to action.

At the bottom.

Anyway. Of the many, many things that are wrong with the world at the moment, this doesn’t matter at all, but the wonderful thing about writing on my own Substack is I can write about what I like.

I don’t have anything unique or insightful to add to the conversation about the kidnap of the Madleen, or the brave and selfless aid convoys that are coming through behind her, or the protests against ICE in California, so all I can really do is share, repost, talk about it with my friends and family, donate and talk about it some more.

But I do have a nagging desire to write about what going back to uni has been like.

Being extremely frank, my first time at uni back in my late teens sucked. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year which retrospectively was not a surprise, (thank you to the many people who quietly but kindly asked me if I had thought about being tested). It makes me both cross, relieved and also… feel nothing at the same time. Those last few years of high school and into my mid-twenties may have been less shit if I’d been a bit more aware that my brain was a bit different. But I wouldn’t be here if those same things hadn’t happened. So, c’est la vie I suppose.

Now I’m 38 😶, I know myself better and have developed ways to mitigate some of the things I find annoying about myself. And meds have absolutely made my life easier in two particular ways. I can focus on things I don’t want to do a little easier and my emotions are much more stable. Some of the side effects are annoying and it’s far from a silver bullet, but it’s a net improvement.

But back to university.

I got my first degree over the course of 4-5 years as I was studying part time whilst running various businesses (two small ones I sold before I started Ethique).

That wasn’t really why it took so long though - it was mostly because I made some very stupid decisions. I didn’t go to my final exam on several occasions due to crippling social anxiety. I very rarely attended lectures, and when I went to the mandatory tutorials I just fretted about being the only idiot in the room. I dropped out of papers that had any kind of oral assessment (ironically, now I get paid to speak), and I certainly didn’t participate in uni life. I do feel like I missed out on a lot.

I drank a lot, did a lot of stupid stuff and all in all, thought I was having fun when really… I wasn’t.

So my first time round at uni wasn’t awesome. I didn’t even go to my graduation.

I have always wanted to do postgrad study. I’ve always wanted to do a PhD. Historically it was because the only way I’d ever be approved of is if I was qualified and proven to be useful. And whilst that is a small part of it now, I mostly want to pursue more study because everything is so fricking interesting! (Also - Dr. West? Way cooler.)

It does make choosing an area of study tricky… which part of this amazing, incredible, awe-inspiring world should I study?

Microbes, because I’ve always been morbidly fascinated with disease?
Marine biology, because… obviously?
Ecology & conservation, because I’ve always wanted to save the planet?
Nuclear radiation, because physics is surprisingly interesting?
Philosophy, because I find thinking about thinking fun, but also frustrating?

For the last 5 or 6 years I have dicked around, enrolling most years in a couple of papers, then either doing the bare minimum, or withdrawing before the semester started. The same old fears were there. I’d be the stupidest in the room and instead of just knowing this inside, other people would find out too.

And a super annoying piece of it all is people see this confident facade and this idea of me being a ‘successful’ business woman, and assume I fit neatly into that box. I do not. I’m pretty awkward, pretty anxious, forgetful, and if you come and say hello to me in person, I will turn pink and forget basic etiquette. One of my friends once said watching me talk to someone who came and said hello in a supermarket was like watching a slow motion train crash 🙃. So I couldn’t actually talk to anyone about it because they would think I was being a falsely-modest idiot (or so I assume).

But this year, I had a little helper. (Which I actually think is what they called amphetamines they used to prescribe to women in the 50s who were miserable and exhausted looking after their families.)

The helper for me is the knowledge that my brain does work a bit differently, that it is fairly common for people with it to assume they were the worst people in the room (though that doesn’t make it true), and the stimulation that meds give my brain has given me a much better platform to look at studying from.

And I fucking love it.

I have started slow, with just a couple of Masters papers, with options open for next year. I don’t know if I could take on a PhD with Incrediballs launching and Now, That’s What I Call Green steadily growing, so for the first time in my life (also, probably the last), I am being moderate in my approach.

The first semester is basically done, and whilst I left every assignment to the few hours before it was due and I overthought every single interaction, I’ve loved every moment.

Instead of being at uni for the degree and just doing what I need to get through it, I am now actually there for the knowledge. And that sounds really stupid outloud, but I do wonder how many of us go through it and borrow all that money just to get a job. I imagine most - which is totally fair because the way the world is structured is that further education = better career prospects.

I already knew that I loved learning. I have a wideeee variety of interests, from microbiology, to nuclear physics, philosophy to history (although I do not care even an iota about tech, or computer science). I prefer non-fiction to fiction, though booktok lore is luring me in a little... (IYKYK), I like debating stuff with people which makes me very irritating, and I love asking why. The single most powerful word in the english language.

And now I know I absolutely LOVE being marked. It’s an external validation that maybe I’m not a total idiot. (Which is 100% not a healthy thought process because I will absolutely get a bad mark one day and it will not be the end of the world. But I can work on that one another time.)

I know how nice it is to be surrounded by people (who are all decades younger than me and look about 12), who have similar levels of understanding and come at them from different life experiences so I can deepen my understanding.

I also love how much more tolerant and open-minded people at uni tend to be, but that’s another conversation.

So, what was the point of this self-indulgent, waffly essay of the highest degree, written by someone with immense privilege and no real reason to have such a whinge?

Well, I suppose I hope that it might be useful for others who see some parts of themselves in some of what I have written.

Or, perhaps it’s a reminder, that those you see who look happy and confident, or who are conventionally ‘successful’, probably feel exactly like you do. And that there is definitely no one out there who feels together all the time.

If I had known that others felt as out of place as I had back then, I may have had a slightly easier time. (I have spared the dramatics in here, but it did go badly for me for awhile there.)